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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Ice Cream of When...



I was at Yankee Stadium this week when I saw a dippin dots...

This is Ice Cream that is so cold that it has congealed into small balls...



The Ice Cream of the Future!!!

Only this Ice Cream has been around for at least 15 years...

Burns your mouth when you eat it.

And apparently, dippin dots cant shipt it because there are no trucks that keep it cold enough to keep the balls congealed...

So I command you dippin dots... change your slogan... change your slogan now!!!

DIPPIN DOTS, "The Ice Cream of right now, cause we cant keep it cold enough for the future"

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Chanukkah in Septembronica -- Fantasy Football Draft Day

Draft night was tonight... And even though I'm pretty sure only comedian friends, and my mom read this blog, heres a recap...

WARNING -- If you dont follow football, this will just be a list of names!!!

Oh, and anyone playing FF in a league that hasnt drafted yet, you might want to keep notes, cause I took those fuckers in my league to school, Paydirt Bitches...

This was going to be a night for THE FRIED MANGINI (my team name, its a play on the new Jets head coach, and the fact that I will eat anything fried, and the fact that Eric Mangini himself is a large man). The night started out tense, I was slotted in the 9th position of a 10 team league, meaning the Big Three as far as Running Back, (Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson, and LT) where well off the board, and it was gonna all come down to the way the other GM's felt who where drafting before me. Also, the stakes where high this year as my league, MAIN LINE THUGS, ( a bunch of kids from philly) switched to a two quarterback system, meaning that qb production would be major league important causing the draft boards to be erratic. This made me insanely nervous since any good GM knows, the early rounds are when the core of your team is built and with the new system there was no telling what could go down.

Boom, Boom, Boom, the big three go off the board, followed by the dependable Rudi J, then Peyton Manning, Stephen J, and Tiki... I had my eye on Cadillac Williams wh was poised to get a bunch of touches in Jon Gruden's offense in Tampa... and BOOM my buddy Doug Mand makes a great pick (which was few and far between in his draft, sorry doug) and nabs my boy Cadillac. Now the thing about picking second to last, as I was, is that your next pick comes quick since the draft snakes aroung the back. I acted swiftly and took a gamble, as would become par for the course in this draft. My draft would begin...

Clinton Portis -- Hurt now, big gamble, Offensive coardinator of Chiefs from last year,if it pays off, whoa baby...

Carson Palmer -- In a two QB league cant state how important it is to have the 2nd best one, big fall off to next best...

Chester Taylor -- RB man in MN, plus they got Hutch, i predict big season, but still gamble...

REGGIE BUSH -- I put in all caps cause this dude is fun to watch, and this is a steal in the 4th round...

Roy Williams -- With Mike Martz in the Offensive Coordinator spot in Dtown, this could be Torry Holt like season for Willaims...

So now my teams core was set. THE FRIED MANGINI was gonna be exciting and gamble, just like I like it. But there was still the late rounds to go, and this is wear you mold your team with sleepers, steals, and other peoples mistakes. Luckily enough for me I was drafting behind Doug.

Ahman Green, Kevin Barlow -- I know the value of RB's in fantasy, so I gambled on two I think could have bounce back years, and are guaranteed starters.

Tony Gonzalez, Santana Moss -- This is the value of drafting behind Doug, in these two rounds I grabbed the 2nd best tight end and a top ten reciever, while he drafted Kerry Collins and Ron Dayne.

Brett Favre -- Second QB, well see how this plays out, Im not thrilled. Good news is I have Carson Palmer.

Niel Rackers, Pittsburgh -- Kicker and Defense are hard to pick, so I grabbed the best kicker from last year, and a top rated D, well see, some would say I Gunned the Jump on this, but well see MAIN LINE THUGS, we will see.

THE FRIEND MANGINI was shaking out like a favorite this season, and if all holds up, I should be in ok shape, but this is where I slipped a little. I should have been handcuffing my top tier Running Backs in case of injury, but I let TJ ducket go, missed out on Samkon Gado, and Mewelde Moore. So I had to improvise...

Laverneus Coles, Chad Pennington, and Cedric Houston -- all Jets, I went with the heart on this, I could have shit the bed with these three, but who knows.

I alwasy, always, always take a player with my last pick who ends up being one of my strongest, I hope that happens cause I can use the help at QB.

Josh Mccown -- See Roy Williams for info... Also, look what Mike Martz did for Kurt Warner and Marc Bulger, this kids gonna blow up.

There you have it. This team is gonna take it all. If you need more info, shoot me an email Ill answer all your mailbag questions.

Friday, September 01, 2006

IM BITS

This one comes from a conversation with my friend Pam Murphy...

PAM
If ever you need actors for a scene for your show... I'll do it if I can be like your mom or something, ya know a big part...

ADAM
Alright

PAM
or a college proffessor you gave roofies to

ADAM
your writing the episodes for me

PAM
Or the lady who live in the trailer next door and keeps dead bodies for firiends

ADAM
your hired!!!

PAM
I am a genius, (who secretly videotapes women getting pedicures) ehhh/ ehh?

ADAM
your fired!!!!

PAM
crap, secretly video tapes women picking up their dogs pooh??

ADAM
warmer

PAM
how about a retard instead of a genius

ADAM
very warmer

PAM
a retard who isn't retarded by birth but as a result of a snowboarding accident

ADAM
HIRED
and PROMOTED, new HEAD WRITER
but im not in love with the fact that the retard is not a baby, can we make that happen

PAM
oh definitely, could it be he has a illness that he keeps getting younger or is that too cliche
nevermind, cliche
but his parents are a stripper and an elephant

ADAM
were on to something, YES, YES, ITS GONNA BE A HIT, MRS BIALYSTOCK
!!!